It’s hard to navigate a relationship with a donor whose values and worldview contrast with yours — especially if that donor is eager to share his or her perspective on divisive matters.
If a donor has an agenda that doesn’t mesh with your nonprofit’s mission, it may be time to end the relationship.
However, some donors genuinely want to support the work your charity does but like to talk about front-page news that’s irrelevant to their giving. Others stay on topic but express their thoughts in outdated or inappropriate ways.
To navigate these situations, experts suggest using diversion, humor, and diplomacy.
“You just have to be compassionate and mindful and sympathetic and a good listener — which are all fundamental to being a genuine fund-development person anyway,” says Megan Ferland, chief executive at the Girl Scouts of Western Washington.
Steering the Conversation
When working with any donor, a fundraiser should set aside his or her personal beliefs and maintain focus on “giving and engagement,” says Bob Carter, a consultant and former chairman of the Association for Fundraising Professionals.
“I have my own beliefs, but I park them at the door,” he says. “When I cross that threshold, my objective is to have a great engagement with that person on their terms.”
If a donor steers the conversation into treacherous territory — bringing up a polarizing politician, for instance — say something neutral (“It’s really an interesting time,” or “Gosh, it will all be over in November.”) and try to redirect the discussion back to philanthropy, Mr. Carter advises.
“Very few people try to pin you down,” he says. “They just want to say what they want to say. Then they move on.”
To make sure fundraisers are not caught off-guard by a potentially divisive topic, he recommends they develop a “narrative that will carry the conversation somewhere else and not be confrontational.”
Offensive Language
Even when donors are talking about giving, they may use language that makes fundraisers uncomfortable.
In some cases, it may not be worth mentioning, says Carol Weisman, president of Board Builders, a consulting firm.
At a recent nonprofit event honoring a major donor, the emcee, an older man, introduced the charity’s leader as “the prettiest executive director” in town. Although the comment irritated many of the women in the audience, “they just let it pass,” Ms. Weisman says. “He wasn’t being mean-spirited.”
But if a donor’s words are hurtful enough to warrant intervention, you may need to provide gentle, discreet coaching, experts say.
To start, it’s important not to assume that a donor who uses outdated terms or expresses offensive ideas has ill intentions.
“My father used what would have been considered racist language while sending money to Martin Luther King Jr.,” Ms. Weisman says.
She recalls a time she spoke at an event in England and used the term “handicapped,” only to discover that her audience found the word offensive and would have prefered the term “disabled.”
“I spent the next day that I was going to spend at Harrods calling people and getting yelled at and apologizing,” she says. “You have to do some translating.”
Fundraisers who encounter donors using words they consider insensitive should “listen past the language to the heart of what they’re trying to convey” and “flat-out ask” donors to explain what they mean, the Girl Scouts’ Ms. Ferland says.
For example, some of the nonprofit’s board members and donors found it challenging to talk about admitting transgender girls to troops, but not because they were opposed to the idea.
“They’re completely in support of the concept that transgender girls should be able to participate, but they don’t know how to talk about it,” Ms. Ferland says. She had to explain what terms to use, and in effect give donors permission to ask questions and have an open conversation.
“They say, ‘Thank you so much,’ ” Ms. Ferland says. “Those conversations absolutely happen. I can tell you, they can be really interesting with elderly donors in nursing homes. You end up being the most popular visitor.”
To encourage donors to adopt appropriate language, nonprofits should train staff members and volunteers to use the right terms, says Robert Henry, vice president for education at Council for Advancement and Support of Education.
“We want to train our staffs to be able to speak about diversity in a positive way,” he says. “Your donors will start to mirror the language of the institutions.”
One-on-One Chat
Nonprofit leaders should be prepared to take donors aside for one-on-one conversations about preferred terms, Ms. Weisman says. She recommends using a dose of humor to disarm someone who may get defensive, and acknowledging that keeping track of the latest accepted language can be “a pain in the neck.”
In the 1970s, she was working for the National Hemophilia Foundation and encountered a donor who referred to himself “as a hemophiliac” instead of a “person with hemophilia.” She took him aside, explained that the organization didn’t want to define people by the disease, and asked him to use the latter term.
“He said, ‘I think this is ridiculous,’ ” Ms. Weisman recalls. “This guy said what was commonly said at the time: ‘I have the right to say hemophiliac.’ ”
Ms. Weisman sympathized but then said, “You’re not speaking for yourself when you’re speaking on behalf of this group.”
He balked, countering that when members of the group were speaking among themselves, they shouldn’t have to worry about it. To which Ms. Weisman replied: “If we use language that’s not acceptable to others in the room, we’ll slip up.”
After she made a few jokes with him, the donor accepted her request.