Feelings of regret are an intractable part of the human experience, and the world of philanthropy is not immune. We see it when nonprofits regret an association with a donor or the acceptance of a gift that compromises their values or ethics. But what happens when the tables are turned and a donor regrets giving to your institution?
I have regretted making a gift in only two instances: Both times the contributions were not in line with the mission of our family foundation and went to private educational institutions. I learned the hard way that donors need to tread carefully when they are personally involved with an organization. Here’s what happened.
We had a long association with the institution in question — 16 years, to be exact — and were once top-tier donors. My husband even served on the board. But over the years, I grew worried about many aspects of the institutional culture and became disappointed by the CEO’s handling of a particularly explosive situation.
I am fairly conflict-averse, yet I did something rare: I wrote a letter and called a meeting to discuss what I viewed as a serious lapse of integrity and ethics. It did not go well.
The CEO was furious and defensive. I knew at the close of the meeting that my concerns were not heard and that my name was now mud. I never heard from him again after that encounter; the nonprofit never sent another communication. We were ghosted.
The experience did have a positive outcome. Going forward we will principally give off-mission gifts out-of-pocket. And it inspired me to write a column on a delicate topic.
Here are a few suggestions for nonprofit leaders and donors about how to handle a major falling out.
Act decisively and schedule a meeting. When a nonprofit receives a donor’s complaint, make time for an in-person or virtual meeting as quickly as possible. Don’t try to resolve the situation by email because words can get forwarded, misinterpreted, twisted, or even used against you. It is better to meet so you can read each other’s expressions and reactions.
Keep an open mind and listen. In the meeting, both parties should avoid becoming defensive. My father used to say that in any form of professional negotiation, you lose your leverage the moment you let your emotions rule. Be ready to defuse volatility by making eye contact, taking notes, and listening. Be open and try to avoid taking things personally. Try to view problematic exchanges as a tool to gather information rather than as personal affronts. If either side needs time to process information and cool down, thank the other, acknowledge that you’ve heard that person’s perspective and ask for 24 or 48 or 72 hours to digest the information and develop a more formal response.
Someone who offers a critique still feels invested in your work. An aggravated donor is investing time in the institution. It may not be the involvement you would prefer, but a willingness to point out problems is still an investment in the well-being of an institution. An email or note expressing thanks for the feedback can go a long way to mending any rifts.
Share your plans. If the problem can be managed, let the donor know how you plan to handle it. If not, communicate this to the donor. This will be difficult, but politic communication can flatten any hackles that are raised. Even if you lose that donor, you close out the relationship with courtesy and grace, which is never a mistake.
All communication matters, and we need to slow down, take a look at each other — warts and all — and get back to work.
Ask for an exit interview. If you know donors are going to stop giving to your organization, ask for an exit interview. Ask for input on changes they would like to see at the institution or for their insights into your future success. Find out if they would like updates on your work.
Stay professional. Avoid complaining or gossiping about one another. It’s amazing how quickly unkind words can travel. I can speak from personal experience that no one relishes learning a confidence has been violated. If you are connected on social media, resist the temptation to unfriend or withdraw right away. This can be seen as petty.
Don’t assume the donor is a lost cause. A donor friend of mine explained how one organization won her back after a disagreement by writing a heartfelt note taking responsibility for an error. The leader asked to stay in touch but offered to give her plenty of space. My friend continued to read the group’s newsletter, later spotted a program that interested her, and eventually doubled her giving because she was so impressed by how the conflict was handled.
We live in an era when gaslighting, ghosting, cancel culture, and trolling have become mainstream. The antidote to this is more kindness and clarity. All communication matters, and we need to slow down, take a look at each other — warts and all — and get back to work.