Psychologist Abraham Maslow says each of us has an innate desire to belong and be loved and that that is a necessary part of reaching our potential.
While a desire to be loved is natural, managers who are driven by a need for approval from those they supervise may become ineffective and may shy away from delivering constructive feedback that could help an employee improve. A manager fearful of upsetting someone may tolerate behavior that degrades the work environment and culture.
When in doubt, ask, ‘How does what I am about to do or say serve my team?'
In a 2014 Harvard Business Review article, “The Problem With Being Too Nice,” internet entrepreneur Michael Fertik said:
“Few people want to be the bad guy. But leaders are also expected to make the tough decisions that serve the company or the team’s best interests. Being too nice can be lazy, inefficient, irresponsible, and harmful to individuals and the organization.”
For all of these reasons, leadership can be a solitary experience. When Martin Luther King Jr. was alive, he earned many enemies as he was challenging the status quo and insisting on civil rights for African-Americans. We lavish praise on him now, but if he had been dependent on the approval of others, he would not have championed racial and economic justice.
Leadership requires a willingness to do what one believes is right, even when it’s unpopular. It also requires a willingness to make decisions independent of the approval of others.
A painful lesson from my own career underscores that point. I was leading a team of eight communicators. I’d hired most of them personally and was extremely proud of them. They were smart, outspoken, hardworking, and innovative. To this day, they leave me beaming with pride.
I desperately wanted to honor their accomplishments with bonuses and financial perks. I requested that members of my team receive a pay increase; they were underpaid, in my estimation, and I knew we would pay more to replace them. There was no way we would get their level of talent, passion for the job, and experience in other candidates without paying more.
I lobbied hard for pay increases and thought I had been successful. Before the process was complete, I notified the team members that they would receive pay increases. Imagine my horror, weeks later, when I learned that my bosses had denied the request. I was certain my immediate supervisor had approved the increases, but somehow I was mistaken.
This process was riddled with mistakes: my mistakes. Rather than waiting until the review process was complete, I announced pay raises prematurely. I wanted to be celebrated by my team, and I wanted my staff to know that I had fought for them. My desire to be liked overshadowed common sense.
Ultimately, I had to apologize profusely and notify everyone that there would be no pay increases. Anger does not begin to describe my team’s reaction. Days later, they filed into my office, one by one, to explain how disappointed, hurt, and angry they felt.
I listened, acknowledged my mistakes, and began the work to regain their trust. As a leader, this was one of the lowest points in my career. But by humbling myself, acknowledging my error, and vowing to continue fighting for pay raises, we somehow recovered. The experience is long gone, but this lesson is fresh.
Perhaps your approval-seeking behavior doesn’t take the same form as mine did. But if you are driven by the affirmation of others, you will never be free to be your authentic, powerful self. When in doubt, ask, “How does what I am about to do or say serve my team?”
This will enable you to power through difficult conversations or withhold information that is unhelpful.
To learn more about overcoming dependence on the approval of others, read a Psychology Today article. The need to be liked can drive managers to do foolish things. I am a witness. Rather than carefully managing proprietary information, a manager desperate to be liked may share too much information or share it at the wrong time. Resist such behavior. Do it for your team.
Jennifer R. Farmer (@pr_whisperer) is an author and strategic communicator for organizations, leaders, and celebrities committed to social and racial justice.